I am having one of those days. You know the kind I’m talking about, right?
A day filled with discontent. I try so hard to avoid those feelings. To pray them away. I try to fill the void with food, friends, lists, and plans, but today—I’m alone. Ethan is napping, the dog is downstairs eating a bone, the TV is off, and here I sit—alone. I keep thinking about how this would be the perfect time to nurse—a quiet house, a spring breeze coming through the window.
Soft baby skin nestled into my chest. Little whimpers and sighs. Tickle her toes to make sure she stays awake. A full baby belly. Nothing would fill me up more. A baby…people have them every single day. I had one almost 2 years ago! Why is it so hard this time?
My head knows that there is a bigger plan in play here. I am not the one in charge.
But my heart, and my tears…they do not understand.
I try to chase away the feelings (and the tears) with prayer…praying the same prayer over and over again,
“Lord, You are in control and I am asking for contentment…please lead me there. Amen”
For me, life always seems the most out of control when it’s quiet.
It’s really quiet now.
Maybe so I can hear what I need to hear.
Maybe this blog isn’t the right place to put these thoughts, but until now I have avoided getting too personal—I’m not sure how it will be received. Fertility is such a mystery. And oh my word…so frustrating!
My ultimate goal in life is Contentment. If my family were to stay as it is right now…would I be ok with that? I want to be—and that’s what I pray for.
[...] Ramblings of fertility [...]
You’re right, fertility is a mystery. I remember in high school we had a teacher who said “God lets you plan when NOT to have children, but he doesn’t let you decide when to have them. That’s up to him.” (this was an anti birth control argument). Try to have faith that G-d is doing what’s best for your family, and enjoy the gifts you have. I read the more recent post that you’re feeling better and I’m glad for that.
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Twitter: FrugalAlly
Debbie, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I continue to pray for contentment and I understand the ultimate lesson is patience–no doubt about it.
Thanks again-
Ally´s last blog ..Modified Menu Plan—May 3rd to May 9th